Five Things No One Should Be Subjected To

5) Children screaming at the top of their voices at 7 am on a Sunday morning.

Trust me when I say I like kids, I really do. But just because the summer holidays are here and you are too lazy a parent to find something constructive to do (I'm not being judgemental here, I know what it is like to have bored, hyperactive kids at home), does NOT mean that you let them run amok and ruin lives with their we-have-nothing-to-do-so-we-will-scream screaming. NOT on a sacred SUNDAY MORNING.

4) Restaurants that don't believe in clean cutlery.

I'm never going back to that famous cafe called Coffee on Canvas in Koramangala regardless of how much VFM they give me. They gave me a used fork (eegghhh) to have my waffles with. No bigger put off, beyond disgusting.

3) People who can't stop talking about how much money they have/how awesome they are/how they are God's gift to the human race.

I don't want to know because a) I'm broke by the first week of the month b) that is YOUR opinion. And nobody else's.  c) even if you are (which you aren't) I wouldn't want to know about it. Thank you for keeping your obnoxiousness out of my face.

 2) Girls who string guys along.

You know, the ones who go out alone with a different guy every night of the week, say that they are just friends, enjoy all the attention when it comes their way and then make a big deal out of it when the guys ask them out and blame them for 'taking things in the wrong sense' and 'taking advantage of friendship'. Guys are NOT subtle, that's an established fact. So if you are not interested, do not go out on dates with them just because you have nothing better to do. 

1) People who cannot handle their drink.

You want to drink for 'fun'. Go ahead. You want to get sloshed, behave like a moron and make a complete idiot of yourself. That is your choice to make, as well. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell me that you can handle it, that you are the most solid drinker in the history of the world, that it is something you do all the time and THEN proceed to puke your face off, get into trouble and expect me to come to your rescue. Not when we have known each other for all of three seconds. 

Not applicable to besties. 

Bonus: People who use darkened car windows to look at and pick their nose before examining the contents.

I was sitting inside a car with the windows up. Traffic signal. Man on TVS 50. Stops right by my window and starts digging into the deep recesses of his nose. Finds whatever he is looking for, retreives it and proceeds to examine it. Thoroughly. In full public view. In broad daylight.

By the time the light turned green, I'd fainted. 

Monday blues?

Mondays are blue for that person who preferred to be spending the entire weekend lazing around doing nothing but watching Suits, marathon-reading Sophie Says, gorging on exquisite paneer tikka, having pseudo-deep conversations about life and worrying about the near-future on the terrace, having an epiphany when news about a schoolmate aka ex-bff having a baby reaches, Instagramming shmexy photos of aforementioned Sophie Says, doing something about all the laundry that seems to have found its way all over the room and feeling a sense of achievement only to know that someone else has a fully automatic IFB (no less) washing machine to do their laundry, making plans to shop for birthday presents and summer shorts and purple shades and then being too lazy to step outta the house, ditching an almost-midnight walk and gobbling up a kinda sad kulfi, happily ignoring the piled up workload that has accummulated over the last work week knowing full well that Monday will be painful, to say the least and then losing sleep over it. That person also wonders on Sunday night where the weekend went despite not having done anything of consequence.   

So, Mondays are blue for that person.
Not me, nossiree.

Relationshi(t)p

When fashion blogger Tanvii put up the cheeky post with her repartees to 'advice' on how to 'rock' a marriage, I realized that I could very well convert the snorts that pepper the flow when I'm reading any 'relationship advice' articles into a post for my long sufferingly patient blog.

What gives me authority enough to snort? Two failed relationships and more years of being a saphead in them than I'd like to remind myself of, I could be somewhat of a (low -level, atleast) expert, don't you think?

So when this came in my mail, I jumped at the chance *cheeky grin*

They say: If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
I say: His ego can. Very much so. The Male Ego is a very real thing with a moustache and a personality of its won. Yessir.

They say: If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
I say: Complacence can. The comfort of being in safe (maybe boring) relationship can. Sheer laziness/fear of being alone can.

They say: Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Likewise, don't make excuses for your own bad behviour.
I say: It takes years for a person to mature enough in a relationship to not cuss when angry. Years. Till then, flying objects and bad language/behaviour is inevitable. In most cases.

They say: Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
I say: Almost everyone almost always ignore their intuition. Which is why we have a world ablaze with dysfunctional, crazyass relationships.

They say: Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. And don't try to change him either, it just doesn't work.
I say: Biggest load of bull. Changing for someone in a relationship is inevitable because no two people fit together perfectly enough to not make little compromises and adjustments.Though the smart ones will change because they want to and the dumb ones will fill their lives with the relationship and nothing else.

They say: Slower is better.
I say: They didn't mean the other slower, dirty minds :P
Agreed. Obsessing over where it is going will spoil the moment. But this doesn't apply relationships which are over five years old and still are where they started from.

They say: Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
I say: Lets face it. None of us really wait for it and we inevitably have a heartbreak or two under our belts before we find that the one thing that truly makes us happy is shopping. Or chocolates. Or shoes. Or that LBD.

They say: If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can't 'be friends.'
I say: Regardless of why it ends, 'being friends' is a common myth, an urban legend... in 95% cases. The other 5% are just awesome.

They say: Don't stay because you think 'it will get better.' You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
I say: LISTEN TO THIS. If you have doubts, reasonable ones, then it probably means that it is all going to the dogs sometime in the near future. But you won't listen. Why? Because we are built not to.

They say: Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
I say: GET A LIFE. Your own. No, seriously. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you are attached at the hip. If you are, then its high time that you un-attach yourself.

They say: Do not make him into a quasi-god; he's a man, nothing more, nothing less.
I say: Pedestals are meant for fans. Trophies. A bowl of wax fruits(?). Not your boyfriend. Don't wax eloquent on his amazing-ness. Don't let him wax eloquent on his amazing-ness. If he wants to wax eloquent about YOUR beautifuls curls/eyes/nose/hair/ears/whatever, that's okay. But too much of that also has to be taken with a pinch of salt. Coz lets face it, we are not Megan Foxs or Scarlett Johannsons for him to swoon over all the time, every time.

I'm going to stop here, for this post is getting painfully long.

And regardless of how cynical the post is, finding one person that you can take goofy poser pictures with, seek advice on financial problems from, lean on when that headache threatens to overwhelm and depend on to drop the kids in school safely will always be worth all the crap. If you are lucky, that is.

P.S: Despite all the 'advice', you will get your heart broken. Therefore keep your pajamas close and a RockyRoad tub, Calvin & Hobbes and Enid Blyton closer.

P.P.S: No relationship is worth losing yourself completely in. No break up is bad enough to lose faith in love.

P.P.S.S: Commitment-phobia in a woman is a good thing. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sometimes...

....when you get to the office in the morning, there will be someone sitting there waiting to take the mickey out of you and your work and if you are anything like me, justifying prat that I am, you will try and explain to that person why it is important to note that I did exactly what I asked to with the parameters that I was given without realising that that person is too much of a *dash* to even listen to logic.

Then as the day wears on, the little fact that your appraisal went very well and your TL said nice things about you, and seemed to mean it too, is overshadowed by even bigger news that makes you want to puch someone's face off because of the unfairness of it all. And you decide to take the letdown very personally when the logical part of you tells you that was purely a business decision, that they don't love you like you'd like to think they do. That you are just another business unit.

Then you go to sleep and wake up the next morning with resolve and you realise how much you have changed. Changed from the immature, abusive teenager who could not let a thing go without obsessing over it for weeks, months, years even, to someone who can flick it off the shoulder, move on with life and make long run plans to prove them wrong.

And I thought work didn't teach me anything in the past year. Hah.

There, I've joined the billion other people on the planet with workplace grouses.

True Love

When Snow Patrol said, 'those three words are said too much, they're not enough', they didn't know how many million people would identify with those lines on a deeply personal level.

Love is an overrated emotion, they say. But can any one of you tell me that you don't need it? That you don't think you need to feel that deep passion that reaches unto your very soul, takes a firm hold of your heart and makes you do things that you never imagined doing?

I came to Bangalore and I fell in love. With a depth that I never knew existed in this Universe.
And I wondered how I lived all my life without knowing that I could feel this way.

It didn't take much...
A look here, a glance there, a few well-said words and one meal later I was head over heels and hopelessly so. And I didn't even resist, I let the waves of pure adoration/lust/seduction wash through me even though I knew I might would regret it later.

All the symptoms were right there; years of being a Mills & Boons reader not only gave me false expectations from life/men but also directed me in diagonizing the symptoms of love right.

The butterflies.
The warmth.
The initial reticence.
The soul soothing embrace.
The taste, the touch.

And here I am, one year later, none the wiser and as happy as can be, still faithful, still head over heels, still floating with adoration of that one great love of my life.

Oh Pasta, My Pasta.
What would I be without you.

One mouthful of your creamy awesomeness leaves me writhing in the throes of a foodgasm that causes acute and apparent discomfort to all those around. Some people are choosy but I'm not; as long you are there and I am there and there is a fork, cheese and a hunk of crunchy garlic bread, I'm a happy, happy woman. 

Not a day goes by without me thinking of where to meet you next and the weekend is much awaited for a billion different reasons, most of which lead me to you. Though you have been responsible for heartache/burn(?) when I overindulge and a few more pounds that I'd care for, you have always been that one constant in my life even while the world has fallen apart and then proceeded to reattach itself.

Thank you for that.
Be mine forever.

I'm done with the dramatics, you can leave now 

#kthanxbai

:P

P.S: If you knew me and my obsession with food and have ever come to dinner with me even once, you won't find this post disturbing weird :P and you'd know that I always ALWAYS order the penne on the menu. Like I said, my one true lowe :D